(when it’s not) a single stone

I remember hearing a sermon (problematic for many reasons that I won’t get into) about David and Goliath. The main point of said sermon was that David collected 5 stones, totally unprepared, not a trained soldier, and brought down Goliath with 1.

It was a flawed sermon I didn’t think of again until this morning. Coffee in hand, the almost autumn morning chill coming through the open window, it’s the first time my house has been quiet in days and I have pen poised over paper.

You know the moment when you’re watching something and you know it’s going to fall, and you watch and watch and then finally it does? My life has felt a lot like that recently. And I’ve kept going and there’s been so many changes that have made it feel impossible to slow down. I remember a friend, after having been diagnosed with cancer, we were at a meditation retreat and she said it was the first time she’d been able to stop and actually feel sadness over her diagnosis, despite recieving it weeks ago, and this morning felt like that for me. I thought I was dry inside. Turns out I had pages in me.

And I wrote the words WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THE GIANT DOESN’T FALL?

In big letters, just like that across the top of the page. What happens when you throw the first stone, a David and Goliath style faceoff, and the giant remains unmoved?

You keep slaying those giants. You get back up and you throw another stone.

That, I wrote, is the faith journey. That is the journey of hope. Not for an outcome delivered but trust that the desires of your heart will not go unmet. That when the giants seem to only get bigger and the mountains remain unmoved, we aren’t alone in the arena.

If I’m being honest, I’d probably put a big F over my entire 2022 thus far. One failure after another. And I feel a lot of shame about that (I’m only human after all. Anyone else have those haunting memories of having to stay after class to talk to the teacher because your test got returned with a big fat F on it while all your friends ran off? This feels like that, only we’re talking about something that holds more weight than a math test)

To step into the full purpose of who you are, you first must celebrate who you were created to be

The answer isn’t a failure. The answer isn’t picking up a spirit of fear and anxiety and hopelessness. I wrote it as an instagram caption yesterday and realized it’s far truer than I could ever imagine, even when it doesn’t feel like it.

I am a woman in her redemption era

I really want to shut the door on hope. I don’t want to keep throwing stones. And I’m over here throwing my hands up saying “Hey? Hello? Haven’t I struggled enough? Can’t something just go right for me for once in my freaking life?”

When the mountain doesn’t move, when the giant doesn’t fall with the first stone, when what stares back looks like more giant F’s, I will continue to use every bit of hope i have to keep throwing, to keep pounding on that mountain.

Seeds of promise planted will be fulfilled. And in the mean time, He’s in the waiting