Week 1 - doing it afraid
I sent a text to my friend the other day saying I don’t know how to move through the world without being incredibly sick. I’ve never done it before. Post transplant I had maybe 3 months where I wasn’t actively recovering from surgery before my abdominal wall shattered.
I’ve been diving into what this says about me, how trauma can create experiences in the body.
I am 3 months and a day out from my abdominal wall replacement surgery, and I shared on my instagram that over the weekend I both went axe throwing for a friend’s birthday and did a workout with my professional athlete brother. I spent the weekend at my parents’ house, where I also stayed while recovering from surgery, and the last time I was there I couldn’t walk up the stairs. And I kept thinking about how much things have changed, even in 3 short months.
If I’m honest, my body is doing exactly what it was made to do, and I find this deeply unsettling. When you are born in a house on fire, that begins to feel normal, and when the smoke clears it can feel like a threat.
I have this idea in my head of what I want my life to look like, and every time I begin to move towards it, I can feel resistance rising up in my body. Sore muscles from a workout remind me of being sick. I can’t look in the mirror without a deep, twisted sense of body dysmorphia, and actually eating foods that will nourish my body sends me into a panic spiral because for so long I existed off of liquid meal replacements.
When you’ve been traumatized so deeply, healing begins to look like a threat. And that’s where I’m at.
Aside from reaching out to my therapist to create some new coping skills for my PTSD and working with a physiotherapist on the mechanics of regaining strength post surgery, I’ve also reached out to some friends. The messages have gone a little something like this: I need help. This is what’s going on, and I’m terrified. I’m going to do it terrified, but I need your support. You have permission to push me out of my comfort zone. Can you help me hold this?
And I’m writing my small thoughts on this big subject on my little corner of the internet, because I am trying to believe someone else needs to hear them too. It’s ok that it’s hard. We can do hard things.
So here I am, week 1 of my deep dive into healing my body, and my soul. Of learning how to live with trauma, do it afraid, and trust myself again. Do you want to come along for the ride? What do you want to know about life post transplant?
