Unexpected Right
A lot of things in my life have seemed to be unexpected wrongs. The running joke is I have one in a million luck, but never when it comes to things like winning the lottery. It’s always for the things you’d never expect, the rare and almost impossible complications, the things that are prefaced with ‘this doesn’t happen often’.
This summer has felt like a series of unexpected wrongs. The thing that was supposed to be ‘it’ left me reeling with ‘what the heck is happening here?’ The “normal post surgical complication” turned into “We don’t actually know what this is.” It’s not like we took a slight detour, more like the entire map got sucked out the window during a hurricane and somehow we’re still supposed to navigate to our destination. Also the car is probably on fire, we’re out of gas and the road is filled with major potholes.
As I was thinking about our unexpected “wrongs” I stumbled into the unexpected rights.
I heard a saying once that balance is an impossible concept. Life and growth rarely, if ever, happen in every single area equally. Most often one area takes presidence while others sit on the back burner. And while I desperately tried to grow and tend to the area of family, it was my career that ended up accelerating. Unexpected.
I haven’t kept it a secret the toll being chronically ill and pre-transplant took on my life. Financially, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically. I had this idea in my head of what life would be like when I made it. When we were no longer living paycheck to paycheck, when I was “healthy”, when I was able to work again. Those dreams got replaced as years went on, and the pinnacle of success for me changed from just being able to get out of bed and pay my bills to growing our family, owning the house with the white picket fence and having the so called American Dream.
I even found myself saying not too long ago “This has to be the hardest season.” And then I paused. And not only because stories of the struggles of others crossed my path that day and gave me a much needed reality check, but because I realized I am living the dream. I’m living the dream 22 year old me had when she had just been placed on the transplant list, was so in debt it wasn’t funny, and felt doomed to have the rest of her life pass her by.
So while none of the plans I made worked out, I did take some “unexpected rights.” I get to wake up every day and do what I love, working flexible hours from home, creating content and talking to amazing people and offering support to other transplant patients. Ironically enough covid ended up being the thing that got us out of debt, and I can rest easier knowing we have a slight buffer between us and bankruptcy. I’m no longer in active hypoglycemia every minute of the day, I can sleep more than 2 hours at a time, and not all of my mental energy has been zapped by trying not to die.
I have the dream I once wanted and never thought possible. And just because I have new dreams now doesn’t mean that this isn’t also the dream. Every once in a while (and not as often as I should) I step back and see how far I’ve come.
I’m learning to see life as more about the destination and less about how I get there. Detours are usually the places with the best views anyway. And I have this faith that even if I’m not where I intended to be, I’ll somehow end up somewhere pretty dang good. In embracing my almosts, my detours, my unexpected life paths, I’ve learned that when I let go of my plan, it allows beauty to be my guide. When nothing is certain, anything is possible.
Life is unexpected. And you can hate the storm or learn to dance in the rain. It’s cliche and it’s true. I’m trying to become a rain dancer. When life takes detours, I’m trying to look for the unexpected rights instead of focusing on how far I seem from my intended destination.
Where did I go right? How did I get you? I don’t know how I did but somehow now I do
