The Freeze, the bleed and organ transplantation in America

There’s so much newness in the air. Maybe you feel it too. The thick, winter frost is finally (hopefully) turning into something like spring. We just passed the Pisces new moon, and it feels like things are waking up from a deep freeze.

This past weekend, I gave a keynote session at the embodied woman summit, in which I talked about beauty being the cure. The body, being put into a forced freeze during my surgeries, beginning to come alive again with beauty. The opposite of anesthetic is aesthetic.

My husband and I have a phrase we say - Paint the damn walls - which I’ve taken to mean creating beauty. It came from our early hospital days post-transplant. The walls were beige, everything was beige. As I went past the pediatric ward, everything was colorful and inviting. Enter the adult ward and blandness at every turn. There is no mental stimulation, no vibrancy, and people are being placed here in order to heal. As someone who was coming out of anesthetic, a forced freeze response, I was expected to come alive in this place that further pushed the idea of freeze. Compliance, don’t argue, freeze or fawn. Sound familiar? I am grateful for hospitals and current medical innovations AND they are not designed for healing. They are not designed for individuality, vitality or existing outside the system that has been put in place, which is one of rules, patriarchy, racism and fall in line.

One of the things I’ve been going deep into since the beginning of this year is the link between the female menstrual cycle and organ transplants. It fascinates me, and there is little knowledge on it since it hasn’t been that long since medical innovations were tested on actual women (mainly white individuals. I have to add I was reading an insert for my life saving immunosuppression medication yesterday when it said “effects may vary for african american and hispanic individuals.”) I brought the idea of my hormones affecting my liver enzymes to my primarily male medical team, and was dismissed. This is my favourite part of the story - a few hours later my coordinator called me back with the words “Holy shit, you were right.”

Our bodies are more intricately connected than anyone would like us to believe. And medical issues, and organ transplants, do not exist in isolation. Tests can be done while limiting as many variables as possible but put it in the ecosystem of the body and things will react differently every time. Why? Because our bodies are different. ALL OF US. Healthcare is not a one size fits all.

I’ve realized because of my time in modern medical culture, falling in line, not speaking up, I’ve wreaked havoc on my own body. I have essentially muted myself in an effort to stay safe (like submitting to a doctor could keep me safe.) And do you know how that shows up for me? I resist ovulation, I struggled with period pain for years, I was overfed and now I undereat, it manifests itself in my brain as complex PTSD, anxiety, ADHD and manic depression, in my body as a rapid heartrate and digestive issues.

Here’s why I think this matters: to fit in, to fall in line in a system that is not designed to support the fullest expression of ourselves, one that was quite literally constructed off of racism and sexism and various other kinds of discrimination, we deny and submit. Feelings not expressed don’t just go away, they stay dormant in the body. They manifest as other health issues. What do we do with health issues? Back into the system, to doctors, trying to figure out the next piece of the puzzle. (I’m not saying this is true for everyone, or that every experience in the medical system is bad. Absolutely not! Like everything, it’s a risk benefit assessment. I am only and can only share from my lived experiences)

So back to my deep dive into the link between the cycle and transplanted organs (specifically liver). I’ve spent hours pouring over medical journals, talking to doctors, reading pharmecutical inserts. I’ve taken insight from eastern medicine traditions, more holistic approaches to the body. I’ve done a deep dive into my own emotional responses and energy body. This is my own story, and I hope it contains some potent medicine for you as well. Take what’s yours, leave what isn’t.

Over the next month, one complete menstrual cycle, I am going to be breaking down the different cycle phases (follicular, ovulatory, luteal and bleeding) and how they have shown up for me in conjunction with my experiences in the medical world. This is part of how I am coming awake, how I am healing my own inner landscape. And I would be honoured if you would journey with me, friend.