life changes

This past week, and month, have been full of unexpected changes in my life. I made the comment that for someone who has lived their life with so much unpredictability and chaos, I’m still not quite sure how to roll with the punches. How incredibly human of me.

In my processing, in the constant state of flux and flow appearing before me, I’ve been quieter than ever. I stopped writing, my already small circle of people I process with got smaller, and I began to instinctively curl inwards. Like a caterpillar going into the chrysalis - something new is coming

and oh, I can’t wait to see what comes through me

I keep returning to the thought of “I didn’t survive what I survived, go through what I went through, fight for my life in the ways I did to play small, to stay comfortable”

Its been terrifying and expansive, a practice in trusting my intuition, a shove into the unknown and asking if I will do what I’ve always done and trust what is unfolding within me and before me without knowing where it leads.

Will I be who I know myself to be? A woman with great conviction, courage and curiosity?

Earlier this week I ended up back in the hospital.

Ask me why most of my breakthroughs happen in emergency rooms

There is a lot going on medically that I don’t have the capacity nor information to write about well, and so for now I’m not sharing much. But as I was laying in that hospital bed, just riding the waves of it all and reflecting on how I’d got here, I thought of that little girl. The little girl I was, terrified and traumatized by a world she didn’t understand. The girl I was pre-transplant, making this wild decision to fight for my life and try. The girl I was on every step of this journey, who never stopped believing I was destined for something bigger.

I’m doing this for her.

I’m doing this because the person I want to be is the kind of person who insists on blessings and goodness, who doesn’t give up, who fights like hell and gets knocked down and gets up again.

So yeah, I’m doing what i’ve always done, which is taking a leap into the unknown without knowing what’s at the bottom.

I didn’t fall from grace, I leapt to freedom

I’m leaping. And I can’t wait to see what happens next.