from I have no idea who I am to I know who I am (and why you need to be resourced to get there)

"Dr. Ray Peat wrote extensively about consciousness being an expression of metabolism, for better or worse. He did not see production of energy as simply a biological function rather he recognized it as directly tied to one’s ability to perceive clearly and develop an authentic life".”

I had no idea who I was for the first 20 years of my life. And I don’t say that in the way that most people say it. As a child, your self concept usually isn’t the strongest. As you get older, your self concept changes, you push limits, and you develop an identity.

I remember being so jealous of other kids who were expressive, who could occupy space without shrinking, who had hobbies. I didn’t have those things, and it wasn’t for lack of wanting. It was because they felt so deeply unsafe.

Post transplant, I would always tell people I didn’t have a personality before, I had a collection of trauma responses. And to a large extent, this is true. I did not have the ability to develop a personality as a child. My nervous system didn’t feel safe, constantly under the threat of metabolic crisis.

The only thing is the doctors in charge of my care didn’t tell my parents this. They didn’t tell me I literally would not have energy to be who I was because the near constant state of hypoglycaemia meant I was constantly one stiff wind away from collapse. And so everyone just thought I was this shy, introverted, quiet kid.

I’ve spent a lot of time since then pulling on threads of my childhood to notice if they carried into my adulthood. And by and large I am a drastically different person. Like put me pre transplant and me post transplant side by side in a lineup and no one is clocking we’re the same person.

(One of my funniest moments was talking to someone post transplant who I hadn’t seen since pre transplant (and I’d seen them on a really regular basis before my transplant) and they had absolutely no idea who I was.)

How I now frame this conversation is less of I was so traumatized I developed no personality (though that too) and more of I never had the fuel to develop a personality. Becoming who you’re meant to be takes work. It takes energy.

The slogan from the Snicker’s commercial of you’re not you when you’re hungry holds different meaning. I wasn’t me. I just didn’t know it.

If we look at developing authenticity as a metabolic process, something that requires energy, it makes sense my metabolic disease kept me in a state of inauthenticity.

I’ve talked a lot about how when we live with chronic illness, we’re starting at a different baseline. The wiggle room found in able bodied people doesn’t exist; there is no safety buffer. Does that mean that individuals living in different bodies lack the ability to find true authenticity? Absolutely not. But it does mean the process is going to look different than it does in our able bodied peers.

I wasn’t able to comprehend I actually had a personality until I had a functioning liver. Hello mid twenties identity crisis (and I had a big one). I wasn’t able to tap into personal development and growth until my body perceived that a. we were no longer starving and b. we were safe.

and safe didn’t mean symptom free

I actually had to feed my body. Not perfectly sticking to a diet plan, but getting enough nutrients into my body to function. I had to get sunshine, and drink water, and do the basic things that human beings are supposed to do. This could be rephrased as I actually had to recognize I was a human being, not a medical machine.

Safety came into play when my nervous system realized we could orient to something else. Somatic tools, embodiment practices, things that flipped the switch in my brain and connected me to my body. This doesn’t mean I never have symptoms in my body, but that I can be with my body in the symptoms.

I say this as both of these things are still a practice. But both of these things allowed me to tap into figuring out who I was as a person, being authentic, doing the work I’m here on this earth to do, engaging in systems in a way that felt in integrity, being able to have relationships I felt good about… Essentially everything outward expression wise in my life came from first establishing that solid foundation, both in body and mind, and making sure I had the resources to get there.

If this is resonating with you, you’ll want to stay tuned to what is launching next week