Deconstructing Ovulation

We’re starting in the middle. As I’ve worked to heal my own relationship with my menstrual cycle, and the medical cycle, I’ve found the two overlap far more than I would have originally believed. In science, we are taught to think of the two as seperate. Medical treatment and diagnosis exists seperate to bodily functions such as hormonal cycles. The more I’ve learned, the more I believe that’s wrong. Our bodies are like an ecosystem, not a machine, and it only makes sense for one part to directly influence the next. If you’ve been in the medical field for any amount of time, you’ll know certain diseases have a list of other diseases that usually accompany them. Dysautonomia spirals into full blown gastroparesis, for example. A heart transplant can spiral into the need for a kidney transplant due to the nature of the treatment. In birth it’s called the cascade of interventions, in that when one intervention is used, it will likely cascade into the next and the next, until there is a complete dependency on the system and a feeling as though one cannot birth without interventions for risk of serious complications when it stands that if the first intervention hadn’t been used, it’s possible none of the interventions would have been necessary at all. One thing affects the next.

Most of the times when we are talking about the menstrual cycle, we begin either at the starting point of the menstrual bleed, or in the follicular phase immediately post bleed. I’m starting at ovulation, for the sole reason of when I dreamt up this series of blog posts, I wanted it to correspond to my own cycle and what I am learning as I deconstruct the things I’ve been handed. As I learn more, my opinions will likely change, so this isn’t a complete resource or guide. Instead it is my honest, raw thoughts from where i am in my cycle, where i am in my transplant, and as it mirrors my own deconstruction journey. And I hope that, if anything, it allows you to examine your own beliefs a little deeper.

So we begin at ovulation. Medically we know ovulation is the event where an egg bursts out of the ovary and is able to be fertilized by sperm, resulting in pregnancy. While ovulation is a singular event that actually only takes a very short time, we think of ovulation in terms of the menstrual cycle as a period, usually about a week in length, covering what we have deemed the fertile window, or the week long period where pregnancy is most likely to occur. Often ovulation is only taken into consideration if one is trying to conceive, and once it was deemed I would no longer be carrying any pregnancy, I thought my days of tracking ovulation were over (And no, I was not tracking ovulation when I got pregnant, so this isn’t saying anything about those who use that method as birth control.)

As I’ve gone deeper into this work of reclaiming my sovereignty and existing outside medical management in the intense way I was prior to transplant, and also establishing a new form of body literacy, I’ve realized that the menstrual cycle actually holds more wisdom than just being the key to pregnancy. I’ve often heard it refered to as the fifth vital sign. If something is off in the body, it is going to show up in the cycle.

Shifting away from western medicine, in ancient traditions ovulation is linked to the season of summer and the mother archetype. Generally speaking ovulation is when most people feel the most attractive, outgoing and motivated. I hate ovulation.

I was in a workshop a week or so ago and we were talking about the area of our cycle we hate the most, and I realize I feel really uncomfortable in my body during ovulation. Post transplant my cycle flipped, so now I ovulate with the new moon, a cycle that is most commonly associated with healers and medicine women. I realized through the guidance of the other women in this circle that subconciously I associate the fullness of the moon and the fullness of ovulation to be too much. That level of fullness and birth feels really dangerous for me.

When we look at traditional chinese medicine (I am not a scholar of chinese medicine, and if you are interested in this I highly suggest you find a teacher who works with or teaches the correct, traditional form of this work) during ovulation qi, or the circulating, life force energy, is at it’s peak. Now in chinese medicine, the liver is known as the organ that regulates the flow of qi in the body.

I, someone who had a liver transplant, struggle with high amounts of qi in my body.

Ovulation, the highest point of qi, is also linked to creative expression. Or, as my teacher Qiddist Ashe calls it, creative rage. The emotion linked to the liver is rage, and it is said that stored anger can manifest as liver problems. Even prior to my transplant, I thought the anger aspect didn’t apply to me as much. I wasn’t an angry person. What I’m learning is I am an angry person, I have lots of anger about lots of things, but I don’t know how to access my rage.

It’s interesting to think that as I heal both my liver and my cycle that these two things correspond. The expectations I had of who I should be during ovulation, and now finding this information its like OF COURSE! Of course I struggle with higher qi, which is regulated by the liver. Of course issues in the liver tie to the inability to express anger. Of course a body that is struggling is going to reveal that through the wisdom of the menstrual cycle. As much as our society abides by the belief that anything you can do, I can do bleeding, our blood and hormones have deep insights to share. Of course after being in a system for my entire life where I quite literally had to submit to authority to survive, the fullest expression of myself would feel dangerous.

I’m still learning and growing, and I invite you into that process with me of noticing your body, noticing your hormones and paying attention to what arises. Some of the ways I am currently reframing my relationship with ovulation include tracking my basal body temperature (again, most of the time this is referenced it has to do with trying to concieve. I’ve noticed that tracking my basal body temperature helps me know exactly where I’m at in my cycle, and how those hormones will affect my transplant, which I’ll talk more about as we move into the luteal phase). I’m examining my own relationship to birth (which traditionally is linked to the ovulatory phase of the cycle), creation, and fullness. Asking questions like what does my fullest self look like? Or like I heard yesterday, what is my favourite version of myself? Making an intentional effort to create, and allowing that to look different than it has in the past. I’ve also found benefit in studying the lunar cycles (traditionally a woman’s menstrual cycle and the lunar cycle linked up. Still our cycles are deeply connected to the moon, each full cycle lasting around 29 days). I’ve also started a rage practice, an intentional practice of channeling and releasing my rage. Instead of focusing on being extroverted and creating I’m trying to focus on what would bring me pleasure or delight?

I encourage you to look into this for yourself, begin asking yourself the questions and see how your cycle (Even if you don’t bleed, our cycles can be discovered via the lunar cycle) is a mirror to what else is going on in your life. Some of my current teachers for this include Kristin Hauser, Maura Sternberg and Qiddist Ashe. You can also find a lot of information with a quick google search. Ultimately I believe our bodies are the best guides, and when we listen they will speak.